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The Hell With It, Everyone Make an SUV The Hell With It, Everyone Make an SUV

I want every car company to make an SUV. Ferrari. McLaren. Aston Martin. Bugatti. Pagani. The lot.

Now We Know For Sure: Elon Musk Sucks Like All These Jackasses Suck Now We Know For Sure: Elon Musk Sucks Like All These Jackasses Suck

The internet, and the astounding degree of personal connection it gives to all of us, is absolutely incredible. But at the same time, it makes me nostalgic for the days when we had to wait for our heroes to die and bitter tell-all books to be published to find out what pieces of shit they were.

We Deserve Better Back Seats We Deserve Better Back Seats

Right now there are pretty much two kinds of rear seats you see in production cars: lounge chairs that swaddle asses in opulence, and basic benches that look like afterthoughts. We need, at least, one more variation of rear seat design.

Make Auxiliary Cord Inputs Mandatory For Every Car Make Auxiliary Cord Inputs Mandatory For Every Car

Last Christmas, I gifted all of you a very special, very correct take on compact discs, and how they’re the best way to listen to music while driving. That included a story about how I utilized an auxiliary cord input in one of my cars. After a recent journey to Michigan, I have another perspective to add: aux cords…

Aston Martin's Sapphire Crystal Key Was The Stupidest Thing Ever And If You Bought One You're Too Stupid To Use Money Aston Martin's Sapphire Crystal Key Was The Stupidest Thing Ever And If You Bought One You're Too Stupid To Use Money

Full disclosure: I don’t think Aston Martin even uses these keys on new cars anymore. They were introduced around 2008, years before I said dumb things about cars for a living, but I don’t see that as a reason to let this go.

It's Possible To Have Mixed Feelings About Tesla It's Possible To Have Mixed Feelings About Tesla

We’re Tesla shills. We’re Tesla shortsellers. We’re in bed with Tesla. We want to kill Tesla to do a favor for the traditional automakers and big oil. Here at Jalopnik, we’ve been accused of tons of things in regards to Elon Musk’s electric car company, and it’s because that company generates a lot of news that’s…

I Have Determined That Hatchbacks Are The Ideal Vehicle I Have Determined That Hatchbacks Are The Ideal Vehicle

Have you, like so many of us, ever lamented that your vehicle is not suited to all aspects of your life? My friends, I have worked out the answer.

It's Time To Confess My Irrational Love For The 2002 Cadillac Escalade It's Time To Confess My Irrational Love For The 2002 Cadillac Escalade

The first Cadillac Escalade came out in 1999, and it was a bland, pointless Lincoln Navigator competitor that was basically indistinguishable from a GMC Yukon Denali. But the Escalade’s first revision, with its chunky fender flares and face like a knight’s helmet, remains a glorious moment for luxury SUVs.

McLaren's CEO Just Said Something I've Been Thinking For Literally Years Now McLaren's CEO Just Said Something I've Been Thinking For Literally Years Now

This would have been blasphemy back in the day, but I’m bored by horsepower. It’s cheap. It’s too easy. It’s too dumb. We’re at the point where a Cadillac with 640 horsepower has been on the market for years now. The horsepower wars are over, and we all won. But there’s a new war coming. The war over weight.

Fuck Scooters Fuck Scooters

Maybe one day I’ll try an e-scooter, but for now, after spending weeks reading about their sudden emergence in cities across the U.S., with writers everywhere gushing about how, actually they’re cool, and that they could develop into a viable business and ease congestion, I’ve concluded that I absolutely hate them.…

The Fake Sounds Produced By The Jaguar I-Pace Make Me Weep For The Future The Fake Sounds Produced By The Jaguar I-Pace Make Me Weep For The Future

There’s nothing worse than discovering that your car pumps in fake or weirdly amplified noise. Sure, I know isolation from other road sounds is a luxury, but it just sounds completely fake. Unfortunately, many electric cars have picked up this baton of sadness and ran with it, as Jaguar’s new I-Pace makes some of the…

This Is The Worst Small Damage A Car Can Have This Is The Worst Small Damage A Car Can Have

Not everything that happens to your car over the course of its life is a big deal. Things break over time. Parts wear out. Small things fail. We either ignore and accept them or fix them and move on. But there’s one bit of small-scale damage a car can incur that, while relatively insignificant, makes life awful: the…

Actually The Ferrari 360 Is Good Again Actually The Ferrari 360 Is Good Again

For a reason that I haven’t yet surmised, some people seem to think the Ferrari 360 is boring and dumb. I am here to correct those sentiments with a sentiment of my own: The 360 is one of the best Ferraris ever.

Here's Why Heads-Up Displays Are Bad

Heads-up displays, once reserved for fighter jets and vehicles in sci-fi movies, are quickly proliferating in common cars. I’ve now tested BMWs, Cadillacs, Mercedes-Benzes, Mazdas and more with information projected onto their windshields—and I have yet to experience a HUD I like.

Filling Your Car With Stuff May Prove That You Don't Need A Bigger Car Filling Your Car With Stuff May Prove That You Don't Need A Bigger Car

I got fed up with keeping spare race car parts in a separate storage unit, so I finally moved to a new place that came with a little storage room. I am cheap to the bone, though, so I moved whatever I could lift in my car, a 2010 Mitsubishi Lancer GTS. I have to say, I’m seriously surprised at how much crap it can…

There Is No Such Thing As A Flying Car There Is No Such Thing As A Flying Car

Look at this thing. Uber calls it an “aerial taxi.” Our friends at Gizmodo call it a “flying car.” But it’s not. There are airplanes. There are helicopters. There’s no such thing as a flying car, and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you.

Good God Can We Finally Replace The Lousy Emergency Brake With This Good God Can We Finally Replace The Lousy Emergency Brake With This

There is are extremely few circumstances when you should pull the emergency brake on a train. Like, almost zero. We should get rid of it entirely, and replace it with this thing. An emergency handle just to let the train driver know something’s up.

Small Cars, Ride Or Die Small Cars, Ride Or Die

Ford announced that it’s killing off basically all of its cars in favor of crossovers and SUVs. No more cars, because large numbers of people won’t buy them. Only fat crossovers. Only ponderous SUVs. Because that’s all they want. But they are morons. I stand in objection to this, and so should you.

There Should Be Two Check Engine Lights There Should Be Two Check Engine Lights

I had just gotten my 2002 Lexus IS300 Sportcross, and had been only been driving it for a couple of days. It made it the 800 miles from South Carolina, and a few dozen more around New York, with nary a problem. And then, while sitting and waiting to pick up Raphael Orlove to go on a little trip, the check engine light…

We Need To Talk About GM In The Early 2000s We Need To Talk About GM In The Early 2000s

There are people out there that think that GM was really starting to “pull it together” in the early 2000s. That its bankruptcy was brought about by nothing but poor financial planning. Rest assured, however, that GM was making cars beyond all reason and comprehension.

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