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The Property Brothers Scripted Series Will Be the Thing That Finally Kills Me Dead The Property Brothers Scripted Series Will Be the Thing That Finally Kills Me Dead

The Property Brothers are two big and tall boys who sort of know how to do home renovation; they are also illusionists and musicians. They are the bane of my very existence, haunting my second-favorite cable channel, HGTV, with their grim visages, their clean, white teeth, and their dopey affect. They have dominated…

Report: President Has Mushroom Dick  Report: President Has Mushroom Dick 

Stormy Daniels’s presidential tell-all Full Disclosure isn’t out yet, but the Guardian snagged a copy, which is why we now have a working description of Donald Trump’s dick.

Did We Forget Robert Pattinson Hates Twilight? Did We Forget Robert Pattinson Hates Twilight?

When asked about Twilight in a recent interview with Variety, Robert Pattinson said he feels like he “stopped mentally progressing around the time when I started doing those movies.” When asked when he’d do a sequel, he joked, “I was literally talking to my agent about it... The amount of time I spend moisturizing, I…

The Curse of American Idol Endures The Curse of American Idol Endures

We may never be free from the reanimated corpse of American Idol, which is more proof to me that hell is real.

No One Wants to Wear a Going-Out Top Ever Again No One Wants to Wear a Going-Out Top Ever Again

The powers that be at Vogue are at it again, singing the praises of loathesome trends which, if they have their way, could very well take off. This time, it’s an earnest plea to resurrect a trend from the mid 2000s: the fancy top.

Is There Literally 1 Person in the World Who Wants This 9/11 Movie?

When you hear the words “nine” and “11” said in succession do you think “Whoopi Goldberg in a wig that sits back and high, much like a ski cap she lazily tossed on for an unseasonably warm winter day,” or “camp queen Gina Gershon,” or “Winning!” because you still associate Charlie Sheen with that prolonged meltdown he…

Rihanna Is Bubble Rihanna Is Bubble

Are you Bubble? Am I Bubble? Is a bubble Bubble? No! But I know who is Bubble, and would love to share the news.

The Devil Loves This

Scene: The Devil sits on his West Elm Peggy sofa, channel-surfing in black harem pants and a hoodie with flames on it that reads “What the Hell?” Suddenly, he perks up. A Meghan Trainor music video is playing on the television. He’s intrigued. Transfixed. “Oh. My. Go-” he stops himself. He picks up the phone and dials…

When Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban Want to Bone, They Tell Their Kids They Need 'Kissy-Kissy Time' When Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban Want to Bone, They Tell Their Kids They Need 'Kissy-Kissy Time'

Here is a helpful parenting suggestion from me, a woman who does not have children but might someday: if you want to have intimate relations with your partner, how about you just do it and keep that shit to yourself?

Paper Forced to Close Comments On Mall Of America's First Black Santa Thanks to Racism Paper Forced to Close Comments On Mall Of America's First Black Santa Thanks to Racism

Earlier this week, the Minneapolis Star-Tribune ran a nice story about the Mall of America’s first black Santa. Larry Jefferson is a retired U.S. Army veteran from Texas, and his hope, along with the mall’s, was that he would serve as a “Santa for everyone.”

Lorretta Sanchez, Girl, Don't Do That Lorretta Sanchez, Girl, Don't Do That

California Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez and state Attorney General Kamala Harris are both running for Senate, which is an exciting and noteworthy moment for women in politics. But let’s focus on what’s really important: one of them used Wednesday night’s debate to awkwardly and bizarrely punctuate a point by...…

Please Do Not Do This to Avocados or Hamburgers

This image you see here is a representation of the evils that Instagram hath wrought on normal, regular food that you eat every day.

If We're Going to End Up Drinking Cockroach Milk, Maybe the World Should Be Over If We're Going to End Up Drinking Cockroach Milk, Maybe the World Should Be Over

A lot of signs are pointing to this being the end of times, but the fact that scientists are investigating how to harvest cockroach milk for your post-workout shake probably means that we should just let go.

Meghan Trainor's Voting Record Is 'No' Meghan Trainor's Voting Record Is 'No'

Meghan Trainor, fierce advocate for body positivity, independence, and telling lecherous men your phone number is two letters without an area code, landed the cover story of this week’s Billboard. Though it begins by billing the star as “an approachable role model for girls,” the piece contains a passage most young…

Mike Huckabee Yells Into the Void, 'Male Lives Matter'  Mike Huckabee Yells Into the Void, 'Male Lives Matter' 

This weekend, Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas and self-appointed spokesman for emptiness, told Fox News that the recent killings of two black men by police were not grounded in race. “More white people have been shot by police officers this past year than minorities,” Huckabee said in the interview. He said…

Ansel Elgort, This Is the Last Straw Ansel Elgort, This Is the Last Straw

Since the moment of his birth in the year 1994, and most acutely since he gave an interview revealing that his perfect woman is one who will attend an EDM concert and then watch him play Grand Theft Auto for three hours, Ansel Elgort, actor/DJ, has been deliberately triggering a deep and extremely long-term emotional…

Woman Wearing 'Stop Domestic Violence' Shirt Charged with Menacing Her Husband With a Gun  Woman Wearing 'Stop Domestic Violence' Shirt Charged with Menacing Her Husband With a Gun 

This week in the bad kind of irony, a woman was arrested for menacing her husband with a gun, accused of firing it in their bedroom while they argued. She posed for her mugshot wearing that deeply unfortunate“Stop Domestic Violence” t-shirt.

What Was Anyone Thinking Letting Bill de Blasio and Hillary Clinton Joke About 'Colored People Time'? What Was Anyone Thinking Letting Bill de Blasio and Hillary Clinton Joke About 'Colored People Time'?

The conservative Internet is convulsing over a clip of Hillary Clinton and New York Mayor Bill de Blasio making an awkward joke about the mayor running late because he was on “colored people time.” Someone wrote that joke for him to perform. Who the hell thought this was a good idea?

God Hates Us

If there is indeed a God, there is certainly a preponderance of evidence that God is sick of this failed and unruly human experiment and is therefore on a roll of smiting us. Donald Trump, for instance, and Ted Cruz and John Kasich and Marco Rubio and Ben Carson and them. Even still, after that, Meghan Trainor…

Meghan Trainor's New Song 'No' Boldly Takes on the Experience of Listening to Meghan Trainor Meghan Trainor's New Song 'No' Boldly Takes on the Experience of Listening to Meghan Trainor

“Let me stop you there before you speak,” sings Meghan Trainor, in her boldly meta new single “No,” which is a sonic departure for the artist—reminiscent of the Y2K pop era, rather than the ‘60s—but otherwise aesthetically consistent with the rest of Trainor’s oeuvre in the way its vibe is sort of “haunted wing of…

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